I woke up this morning and I could still hear her crying.  So much strength but so much heartache.  I listened to her speak of the loss of her daughter.  She was strong.  She was happy, joyful.  I was amazed by her calm.  So well spoken…so together.  She spoke of her daughter coming to Christ at four years of age…and then she broke down.  Once she broke down she could not stop crying.  The pain and hurt so deep. I cannot understand.  I hope to never understand.

Steven Curtis Chapman and his wife Mary Beth Chapman are being interviewed all week on Moody Radio.  Yesterday I happened to hear them speaking of the loss of their five year old daughter, Maria.  Tears streamed down my face as I listened.  I felt panicked and started crying out to God “Protect Cora, don’t take her from me, ever… I never want to understand this kind of loss” And then the host on Moody spoke truth I needed to hear.  He talked of a man who adopted a little boy and every night when the boy was sleeping he would pray over him.  He would ask God to “Protect him and keep him from harm.  He has had such a hard life, don’t let him experience any more pain in his life,”  and the man came to a realize that this his was not the prayer he needed to pray.  He needed to pray for his child’s salvation.  God could take his child from him at any moment.  Every breath is a mercy.  More important then his son’s physical safety was his standing before God.

Steven Curtis Chapman agreed with these words.  He said, “The church today makes death so final and it is not final.”  This is the hope he and his wife cling to.  They will see their baby girl…not just for a few minutes or a day…but for eternity.  I found this song from his newest album Beauty Will Rise.

I love the freshness of a new day.  The morning sun softly shining through the trees…slowly warming the earth.  I love dew…the grass wet and cold on my feet.  I especially love a morning fog.  I look out our back window to see that the mountain top is hidden under a misty cloud.  I love drinking a hot cup of coffee (or two, or three) savoring each sip.  I love it when I am awake before Justin and Cora.  Alone. Peace.  Solitude.  Time for me before a busy day begins.

There is something that struck me this morning.  I love morning.  I love a new day.  I love a new beginning.  I like the clean slate…all the fatigue of the day before has been slept away, all the frustration of the day before…it is now yesterdays frustration.  All the loneliness (poor Justin has had some late nights at work), the guilt, the sin, the temper, whatever it might have been…it was all yesterday.  Today is a new day.

The day begins.  Sometimes with a morning run at 6am or if I take Cora 10am.  Then I rush around getting Justin breakfast, getting Cora breakfast, doing the dishes, laundry, go shopping, clean, clean, sweep, sweep, entertain grumpy baby, play with baby, read to baby, try to get baby to nap…make lunch, cook dinner, etc etc.  Before I know it I have completely forgotten the peace I felt in the morning.  I am running around like crazy…I might start losing self control, I might start getting frustrated…or I might simply feel defeated.  Not every day, but often.  By 10pm when I go to bed I am the complete opposite of myself in the morning.  I am ready to sleep, I do not feel cheerful, I am over it.  And then I wake up to a new day and the cycle continues.

A couple thoughts.  Almost any morning can be a good morning for me simply because I am a morning person.  However, there is something that makes every morning and every day so much better. Lately I have not been disciplined in my devotions.  Not on purpose I just get distracted.  I sometimes wonder…will I ever delight in His ways so much that I crave his word every single morning?  That I cannot take a step without crying out to Him?  I hope so.  Unfortunately as a wife and mother I am so distracted I am having to make myself find the time.  There is always a pressing desire for his word but in my sin I am so ready to sweep it aside. I do find the time to check Facebook, email or to blog…priorities not in order.  I know from experience what a day is like when I am in the word.  It’s a better day.  It’s a more self-controlled day, a more loving, giving, kind, beautiful day.  God made the morning and he did make each day new.

“In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” -Psalm 5:3

“Weeping may remain for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.”-Psalm 30:5

“By the day the Lord directs his love, at night is song is with me-a prayer to the God of my life.” -Psalm 42:8

“Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.” -Lamentations 3:22-23

So, this week I am going to start prioritizing as I should.  My desire is that I start my day well and that I end my day well.  I know that’s not always going to be the case because I know myself.  But God’s faithfulness is great and I know he desires me to grow.  He desires for me to be in his word.  May he grant me the self control I need.

A few months ago the very talented Sam Griffin ( http://samgriffin.zenfolio.com) took some pictures of Cora.  I thought I would share some of my favorites with you…although there are so many I love, it’s hard to choose!

Well, this post was going to be just pictures.  But I have to write…I have to get some thoughts out of my system.  Bare with me…

Lately I have been feeling tired.  I know I say this a lot.  I don’t mean to complain.  I have come to realize this is motherhood.  It’s tiring.  I see pictures of myself a few years ago and I think, “who is that girl?”  I look so young and carefree.  No dark circles under my eyes, no stress…a more youthful body.  I look like a girl not a woman.

I always wanted to be a wife and then a mother…no dreams of being anything else.  When God brought Justin into my life these dreams became a reality.  I became his wife in less then a year…two years later we had a baby.  We are a family.

I look at pictures of myself a couple years ago…I might have  looked better but I can honestly say  I did not feel better.  I see a very selfish 22  year old.  I did not love my husband like I do today…and I certainly had not learned to live daily serving a little person. I served myself.  When God brought Cora into my world there was a time when everything seemed to come crashing down around me.  All of the sudden my easy little life ended.  In one day I became a mother…the one to feed, comfort, change, clean, stay up for hours at night, love and care for my baby.  Inside I was fighting the breaking of many bad habits…it hurt too much to have to grow up. My plan was to be a mom…but it was not my plan to have to change!  It humors me now to realize how clueless I was.  But God is good…he works wonders…miracles in our hearts.  In no time I had adjusted to being a wife and mother.  There were and still are days where I want to throw up my hands, admit defeat…but my love for Cora grows every day as does my patience.  I thank God for her…I was not owed her.  She is a gift.  My love and respect  for Justin has grown.  I loved him when we met…but now?  There is not a better man in the world.  He is a gift as well.  Yes, God is good!

I look forward to seeing how much growth there is 10, 20 years down the road…I have full confidence that God will continue to mold me and work in this little family.  The breaking and the maturing is always hard but the reward is worth it.

Andrew Peterson is one of my favorite Christian artists.  He may have a nasal voice…but the passion with which he sings!  Many nights in college I fell asleep listening to his music.  When my brother Tim became a daddy, I remember thinking this song was perfect for him.  Now I think it’s perfect for Justin and I…and will only ring more true as our family grows.

Family Man

I am a family man
I traded in my mustang for a minivan
This is not what I was headed for when I began
This was not my plan
I am a family man

But everything I had to lose
Came back a thousand times in you
And you fill me up with love
Fill me up with love
And you help me stand
’cause I am a family man

And life is good
That’s something I always knew
But I just never understood
If you’d asked me then you know I’d say I never would
Settle down in a neighborhood
I never thought I could

But I don’t remember anymore
Who I even was before
You filled me up with love
Filled me up with love
And you help me stand

So come on with the thunder clouds
Let the cold wind rail against us, let the rain come down
We can build a roof above us with the love we’ve found
We can stand our ground
So let the rain come down

Because love binds up what breaks in two
So keep my heart so close to you
And I’ll fill you up with love
Fill you up with love
And I’ll help you stand
‘Cause I am a family man

I’m saving my vacation time
For Disneyland
This is not what I was headed for when I began
This was not my plan
It’s so much better than

I have been debating on whether to post this but I will not have peace until I do.  I wrote a light hearted post about Canada…and left out something very important and far from light-hearted.  My dear friend Ashley, a best friend since childhood…her mother passed away Saturday night.  She was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago.  They gave her 6 months to a year to live.  A couple weeks ago, when chemotherapy failed, they gave her 3 months to live.  She passed away not long after that final diagnosis.

Ashley is not someone who is unfamiliar with losing a loved one.  When she was 18 years old her only brother and her only sibling, died a tragic death. During this painful time her mother committed herself to the Lord.  God brought great victory in an unbearably painful situation.

I’ll never forget at her brother’s funeral the song was sung “I can Only Imagine.”

“I can only imagine What it will be like when I walk by your side. I can only imagine what my eyes will see when your face is before me. I can only imagine. I can only imagine.

Surrounded by your glory.  What will my heart feel? Will I dance for you Jesus, or in awe of you be still?  Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall?  Will I sing Hallelujah will I be able to speak at all?  I can only imagine.  I can only imagine.

I can only imagine when that day comes when I find myself standing in the son.  I can only imagine when all I will do is forever, forever worship you.  I can only imagine.”-Mercy Me

Ashley’s brother was too young to die.  Her mother was too young to die.  But now her mother stands in the face of her Maker.  She no longer has to imagine what heaven is like because she has the promised delight of seeing him face-to-face…she is free of pain and she worships him in eternity.

“Death has been swallowed up in victory.  Where, o death, is your victory?  Where,O death, is your sting?”

I know you do not know Ashley.  But I would ask you to please pray for her.  We love you Ash.

Sunday was my first Mother’s Day…well, my second.  I was carrying Cora in my belly last year and that was a lot of work.  I will never again underestimate the weight of a pregnant belly…the back pain, the side pain…the foot pain, and the swelling.   Even though having Cora in my arms as opposed to my belly is even more tiring, I definitely prefer post pregnancy.

Enough of this rabbit trail.  Mother’s Day was busy.  Sunday morning we woke up, Justin made me breakfast and coffee and we went to church.  Our church had a rose for every mommy and every woman over 18.  My pastor recognized the moms in our congregation for their hard work and unseen labor.  He then prayed for us.  He also recognized any woman who despite not having a child of their own, had loved, taught and poured into the lives of children. They were each given a rose and he prayed for them. A beautiful start to Mother’s Day!

After church we ate lunch with my mom and dad.  Dad cooked for all of us.  He is a great cook.  He never uses a recipe and his meals are amazing.  Cora napped while we visited.  When she woke up we headed to my in-laws house.  We spent some time visiting with them and headed back home.  Justin had the ingredients for chicken curry and started cooking my Mother’s Day dinner.  The curry was delicious.  As he washed the dishes I realized something.  I had gone an entire day without one meal to cook or one dish to clean!  Bliss.

I realized something on Sunday.  The call to motherhood is not an easy call.  The constant need, the constant guilt, the constant demand, the constant sacrifice…the constant desire to love well and realization that I will fail, a lot.  However, it is a high calling, a beautiful calling…one that has made me whole.  One that has make this family whole.  I want to embrace my role as mother with joy because God has blessed me with our little girl.  I need and want to love her well. The reward has proved to be rich…and will only become richer.

“The cultivation of a mother’s heart and a nurturing role under God will place our submissive souls in the way of salvation and of the greatest use to the kingdom.” -Barbara Hughes (Disciplines of a Godly Woman)

“Motherhood is the essence of womanhood.  I believe that whether or not a woman has children, she is called to embrace the discipline of nurturing.  This aspect of womanhood goes far beyond the physicial bearing of children” -Barbara Hughes

And because he helps me be a better mother and wife…I can’t leave out my best friend and Cora’s beloved “dadadada.” (and I’ll just be honest, I love this picture)

I have decided I have another favorite chapter in the bible.  One I have read many times but suddenly it has struck me…struck me to the core of my being.  One of those moments that I wish I had more.  A moment where I weep over God’s word because it reaches me.  It touches me as nothing else can.  Hebrews 11 reads “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  This is what the ancients were commended for.”  This is what the ancients were commended for…Men and women who did not have the Holy Spirit, men and women who did not have the joy of the death and resurrection of our Lord.  These men and women loved and served God by a completely unseen faith…faith of the hope of a messiah…faith of the hope of eternal life…faith, unbelievable, commendable, faith.

“By faith Abel offered God a better sacrifice than Cain did…And by faith he still speaks even though he is dead…by faith Noah, when warned about things not seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that comes by faith…by faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.…For he was looking forward to the city without foundations, whose architect and builder is God…By faith Abraham, even though he was past age-and Sarah herself was barren-was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who made the promise.  And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore…All these people were still living by faith when they died.  They did not receive the things promise; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance...Instead they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one.  Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he prepared a city for them…”

The chapter goes on and on…through the line of people obeying  God’s instruction, by faith.  They did all, they gave up all…for the sake of the reward that was coming.  The unseen reward of eternity and forgiveness…the reward of forever, with God.

These great men and women of the bible lived out their faith.  What if Abraham did not believe he could have a son and therefore Sarah never conceived?  What if Noah did not build the ark…and died in the flood?  What if Moses had chosen  not to be “mistreated along with the people of God rather than enjoy the pleasures of sin for a short time” ? (Hebrews 11:25) No, instead he “regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as a greater value then the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking forward to his reward.” (Hebrews 11:26) What if, what if, what if?

So, when we think about the gift of eternal life, let’s not take it lightly.  Do you not see what godly men and women of the past had to endure?  They did not have the new Covenant of Jesus death on the cross…they had to live under the law, a strict law, a law that was impossible to obey perfectly.  They did not have the gift of the Holy Spirit leading and guiding them.  And yet, they loved God and chose to follow him and obey him because of their great faith.  “The world was not worthy of them.  They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.  These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised.  God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.”  (Hebrews 11:38)

“Enjoy this while it lasts!  They grow up so fast.  Before you know it she’ll be gone!”

Words I hear on an almost daily basis.  If there is one thing I have learned in my not-so-long 25 years, it is this…do not disregard what older people say.  They have gone ahead of me, they have experienced babyhood, toddlerhood, pre-teen years and teenage years.  Despite the challenges, the disappointment and the tears they still say “it goes so fast…” or rather, “it goes too fast.”

I look at my sweet baby and I think:

“Surely not.  You are just a baby…yes, it seems like yesterday you were born.  I clearly remember long nights of nursing you, rocking you…wishing you would sleep.  Wasn’t it just yesterday I was holding you in my arms as you slept by the hour?  When your cry was so weak and desperate?  When you fell asleep beside me in the bed?”

Now she’s 8.5 months old.  She plays independently, she sleeps through the night, she wants to see and touch everything…she’s curious, chatty, she loves to laugh, she has anxiety when I leave her.  She is awake most of the day, she mostly cries in frustration, she eats three meals, snacks, drinks apple juice…she is attempting to crawl but has not quite figured it out.  She nods when she wants something, she waves her little hands, she event throws a fit when something is taken from her.  My tiny baby is growing up too fast!  In just 3.5 months she’ll be a year old.  3.5 months will seem like 3 days…and tomorrow I’ll wake up and she’ll be starting first grade.  Not soon after that it will be high school…then college.  Then she will be gone.

Sometimes I wish I could stop time.

But, if there is one thing I have learned it is this:  Yes, she will be gone tomorrow…but life is not getting worse with each day that passes it is only getting better.  I cannot predict the pain and hurt that may be a part of my future…but I know that what was once the future is now the past.  In the past God blessed me with a husband, in-laws, nieces, nephews, a church family…and most recently a beautiful baby girl.  Along the way there has been a lot of hurt and frustration, sins I wish I could take back…a lot of “I could have done that better” or “I could have handled this in a better way.” But, thanks to God and his mercy, this is in the past and it is all forgiven. I look forward to the future.  Raising a precious little girl, serving a wonderful husband…and embracing whoever else might join our family along the way! Yes, I will hurt Cora, Justin…and many others but thank God that every day is a new day!  Another day to grow, mature and learn to love better. “Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning” (Lamentations 3:22-23)

When I have much older, my children are out of the house…I too will say “it all goes so fast! Tomorrow your baby will be grown up!”  But I also hope to say (like so many people I know) “those years were precious.  Enjoy each day while it lasts and make the most of it.”

So, would I really want to stop time?  No.  Because the woman I am now, has a lot to learn.  I can only learn these lessons over time…and the woman Cora will grow up to be?  She needs every day to grow, to learn, to become who and what God has intended for her

“There is a time for everything, a season for every activity under heaven.” -Ecc. 3:1

“Wherever you are, be all there.” -Jim Elliot

“Courage does not always roar, sometimes it’s a quiet voice at the end of the day, saying…”I will try again, tomorrow.”

There is something I’ve been keeping a secret.  It’s a somewhat sad, somewhat exciting and somewhat painful secret.  One that has caused a lot of anxiety in our home.  We have our house up for sale.  The home that has been in Justin’s family for generations, a home many people have poured love into.  A home full of memories…and home that has always been a home.  A place that has a little bit (or a lot) of many people’s hearts. There are visible remnants of the past throughout our house…shelves built by his uncle, flowers in our garden planted by his aunt…the same front steps where Justin’s mom played “Rock School.”

There are many reasons why we are wanting to sell our home…it is very small for a family that is just beginning to grow, (2 bedrooms, 1 bath) we would like a newer home…and a different location.  We would especially like to be closer to Justin’s work.  This is a huge decision for us.  We both like comfort, we are both home bodies…and we both hate change.  We have gone over all the possibilities..adding on an addition,   putting all future children in one small room, renting the home, etc, etc.  All of which make sentimental sense but do not make logical sense.

Now we have to sit and wait.  Wait and see if our home can sell in a market like this.  Wait and wonder…look at homes we like but try not to get our hopes up.  Plan where we might live, if we can sell.  As you can imagine (or know from experience) this is not a fun situation to be in.  But it’s a time for growth.  There is not some guarantee we will move because we may not sell this house.  If we do not sell this home we will have to be happy with what we have!  Put dreams aside of a different home and live contentedly here.   I do not want to be selfish…thinking I deserve more than what God has given me.  We are blessed. We have plenty.  We could make this work.  We have our little dreams but they not might be God’s plan for us.  So this is our secret…something weighing heavily on my heart these days.  A time for learning to wait and cast my cares on someone far bigger then myself!

Whatever the future holds I am going to continue putting time and energy in our little home because it deserves to be loved.

Easter.  Spring dresses.  Chocolate. Pastels. Flowers. Easter Egg Hunts.  Easter Bunny.  Baskets.

Or

“He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering…and we esteemed him not.  Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him and afflicted.  But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities, the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.

He was oppressed and afflicted, yet he did not open his mouth; he was like a lamb to the slaughter, and as sheep before her shearers are silent, so he did not open his mouth…Yet it was the Lord’s will to crush him and cause him to suffer…After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied…For he bore the sin of many and made intercession for the transgressors.” Isaiah 53:3-12

Do not misunderstand what I am writing.  Cora will be welcoming spring in her Easter dress.  One day she will hunt for Easter eggs and have an Easter basket.  But may I never forget and may she always know what this day is truly about.  It is not about a bunny or candy…it is not about a new dress.  It is about God giving his son as a sacrifice, a love offering, for us.  It is about a perfect man who lived a perfect life and died a most painful death for you and for me.  The Savior of the world, risen from the dead.  Giving eternal life to undeserving man. A man who hung on the cross.  A king mocked and ridiculed with a crown of thorns on his head. Stabbed…a bleeding wound in his side.  A man parched in the hot sun.  Begging for water and given only vinegar to drink.  A man who while taking the worlds pain, sin, shame and death upon himself, promises the criminal hanging next to him eternal life.  We are all thieves, we are all murderers, we are all criminals and yet Jesus words of love to the repentant sinner, “today you will be with me in paradise.”  Jesus: He lives.  He reigns.  Hallelujah.

“I am a thief, I am a murderer
Walking up this lonely hill
What have I done? I don’t remember
No one knows just how I feel
and I know that my time is coming soon.
It’s been so long. Oh, such a long time
Since I’ve lived with peace and rest
Now I am here, my destination
guess things work for the best
and I know that my time is coming soon
Who is this man? This man beside me

They call the King of the Jews
They don’t believe that He’s the Messiah
But, somehow I know it’s true.
And they laugh at Him in mockery,
and beat Him till he bleeds
They nail Him to the rugged cross,
and raise Him, they raise Him up next to me
My time has come, I’m slowly fading
I deserve what I receive

Jesus when You are in Your kingdom
Could You please remember me
and He looks at me still holding on
the tears fall from His eyes
He says I tell the truth
Today, you will live with Me in paradise
and I know that my time is coming soon
and I know paradise is coming soon.”

-Third Day (Thief)

“Joy to the world.

He has risen, Hallelujah.

He’s risen, Hallelujah.

He’s risen, Hallelujah. Hallelujah.”

-Keith Green (Easter Song)

Since having Cora I have had to make a conscious effort to pursue that which helps me grow.  Growth not only of my mind but more importantly my soul.  Obviously I have less time then I used to and am always distracted.  My brain has become a mommy brain…total mush.  I swear I have early alzheimers.

Every morning I drink 2-3 cups of coffee (yes, all caffeinated) and I play with Cora.  After about an hour she is ready for her first nap.  I then take the time to read my bible and then read a chapter of my favorite devotional Disciplines of a Godly Woman by Barbara Hughes.

This book has been soul-changing for me.  I cannot recommend it enough.  It is written by a woman for women.  She writes of the different disciplines a believing woman should practice in her life…the discipline of Godliness, to prayer, to worship, to propriety…all the way to the discipline of giving.  Every chapter conviciting.  One of my favorite quotes is from John Wesley in her chapter on the discipline of submission.  He writes,

“Take Thou the full possession of my heart.  Raise there Thy throne, and command there at Thou dost in heaven.  Being created by Thee, let me live to Thee.  Being created for Thee, let me ever act for Thy glory.  Being redeemed by Thee, let me render unto Thee what is Thine, and let my spirit ever cleave to Thee alone.”

I love “let my spirit ever cleave to Thee alone.”  Hmmm…not something I do readily.  And if I was ever “cleaving to him alone” I might find more contentment.  In her chapter on the discipline of contentment Hughes reminds women that longing is fine as long as we are longing for God and what he promises.  How often to I long for what temporal?  Every day.  She writes “the discipline of contentment demands that we submit both our anxiety and our greed to the Lord….We were made to know God!  The knowledge of God is where satisfaction and pleasure are found…the rare jewel of Christian contentment will be yours when all that God is and all that He has done in Christ Jesus fill your heart.” Amen.

Anyhoo…now on to the brain.  The brain of mush.  The brain that used to be a brain but now only thinks pacifiers, baby clothes, baby food, baby nap, baby bed…baby, baby, baby.  I decided it was high time I read something.  Something outside of the Christian realm.  Something I would find interesting.  I found that book at my mom’s house and am addicated.  I actually sacrifice precious sleep to read Marie Therese: Child of Terror.  I’m sure you are all dying to read a book with such a cheerful title.  If you like history and are intrigued by the infamous Marie Antoinette then you will love this book about her daughter Marie Therese.  The book is a tad dark (as you might have guessed by the title) and sad but so interesting.  I cannot wait to finish it.

So there you have a little glimpse of how I attempt to feed my brain and my soul.  Sadly there are many days when I would rather read about the child of terror than God’s word.  Guess it’s all part of my human nature!

Now a little “hello” from my dolly.  Yesterday we went for a run.  She loves the jogger.  The entire run I hear coos of approval.  I love time outside with my little running buddy.