His Paths are Beyond Tracing Out
I so badly wish I could tell the world that I am marching on victoriously through life right now. Untouchable in all this turmoil. But that’s just my pride. It’s me not wanting to admit I am really struggling. Not wanting to feel drained and tired physically and yet still have to trudge through each seemingly endless day. At night I just fall into bed. My body has been so tired since all of this happened. Is it emotions, hormones, stress, depression…?
But somehow life goes on. And I am so thankful it does! I have often thought..what if I could freeze or turn back time? There are so many happy moments, so many little and big excitements. If I held onto my wedding day and our first two years together, I would never have had our two girls, I would have never learned how deeply I could love Justin and how he could love me. Life actually got better over time. If my girls stayed babies (it really is hard to watch them grow up) I would never see the lovely little women I trust they will grow into. What good would it do to grasp onto all those happy little moments? I don’t wish to turn back time because if I turned back time I would have to do all the hard stuff again. Because in this fallen world, the bad and ugly stuff is always there right along with the good. It’s all a passing, just dust.
As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like the flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children…” Psalm 103:15
So I feel humbled. Not humbled by a big mean and angry God up in the sky. Humbled by a good God who is in control of ALL things. His ways are mysterious and so I don’t pretend to ever know why he took our babies away. As I have told many people lately when they ask how I am doing…”There is nothing to say.” Why is there nothing to say? Because in faith I trust that He knows what he is doing and He knows why he is doing it. But I don’t know what or why He is doing it. So I am just letting him work. Work in me…his child. I trust that one day I will look back and see the good he brought from this situation. But I never expect to know why.
Oh the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable his judgements and his paths beyond tracing out. Romans 11:33
I remember that I am following the Man of Sorrows. The One who bore the greatest and hardest grief…the worlds sin, pain and anguish on his shoulders.
He was despised and rejected-a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.
Am I not promised that I will share in his suffering? Isn’t that part of what it is to be a Christ-follower? The end will be victorious but there will be scar after scar until we get there…wound after wound. Dying to self. And I am only just tasting the beginning of it. But I know that the end will be worth all of this! And even though life hurts He is always there loving and holding us. I have never ever felt him hold me like I have during this time. I cannot say enough how good He is. The God of ALL comfort and He DOES give peace. So I am left thanking him. Thanking him for his many, many blessings.
He is faithful.