Where I thought I Would be
This Saturday I turn 29. If I could give this particular birthday a title, it would be: “This isn’t where I thought I would be.” When I envisioned my life at 29, I figured that I would have a third child or at least have a baby on the way. That’s how life has always worked for me. I had Cora and Elinor when I wanted them. Easy to get pregnant. Healthy and safe deliveries…right in the time frame I had hoped for. All mapped out just so. I hate to admit this but I never thought things would go otherwise. I wanted babies and so I got babies. Yes I prayed, yes I trusted…but it was easy to trust because things turned out. These past few months have been so strange. The disappointment, the waiting, the hormone fluctuations, the weight gain with no baby in sight. I didn’t know a body had to recover and heal from just 9 weeks of pregnancy. Strange. All so strange.
But as strange and hard as it’s all been I am thankful this happened. When will I learn? When will I understand? I can make plans but he can break them. I am so limited but He is unlimited in his wisdom, being, power, holiness, justice, goodness, truth. He knows what I need, when I need it. And he cares enough to give and to take from me. Not some random, cruel last-minute assault but a lovingly thought out and perfectly executed plan. A plan for me, my life- a little bit of dust and yet eternally important to him.
The Lord works out everything for his own ends- Proverbs 16:4
In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. -Proverbs 16:9
So although he takes. He gives. He gives his love abundant. His comfort that overflows. His mercies unfailing. How personal his love has become to me these past couple months. Love that can make all pain somehow bearable.
I sat this morning reading my bible and as usual it spoke to me. I am so thankful for the living, breathing word of God.
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. -Romans 15:13
How would I ever learn to trust him if he didn’t take from me? If he didn’t challenge my frail, immature faith? I would never choose to lose a baby. But through this trial I have learned much, I have grown much, I am learning to trust. For just as he promises, he fills with joy and peace as we trust him. Our hope will overflow because he is the God of comfort. He is the God of hope. He never leaves us, he never forsakes us, and his love is everlasting.
As I enter my last year of my twenties I am most definitely not where I thought I would be but I am exactly where He knew I would be.
And so I rest in his will.