Bathing in Toilet Water

I’m starting to wonder if I should even venture out my front door…whether we should have padded walls.  I don’t know if it’s pregnancy or if it’s me…but what I do know is ridiculous situations seem to be greeting me everywhere I go.  I am a magnet for disaster.  I wouldn’t have considered myself particularly prideful (as in, I’ve never been very cool) before but maybe that was due to lack of insight.  Is God trying to teach me something?  Maybe it has been those fervent and constant prayers for self-control…

It all started yesterday morning…actually, I’ll back up to Tuesday afternoon.  Tuesday we had four plumbers in the addition (one who seemed to delight in tracking mud through the house and my freshly cleaned bathroom floor), four guys putting up gutters and two carpenters.  The house was a zoo.  At around 11 the plumber told me they were replacing the water heater and I would be without all water for about 4-5 hours.  No problem.  I filled the Brita and decided I wouldn’t shower that day.  At 11:30 Cora decided she wanted to go “Night, night.”  I put her in bed with her sippy, turned up her white noise and hoped she’d fall asleep.  An hour later I still heard her chattering and then suddenly screaming “MOMMYYY!!!! Change the diaper!!!!!!!”  I walked into her room and smelled it before I saw it.  And then I saw it on her hands, on her sheets, on her clothes.  I had no water so I frantically started to empty her baby wipe container.  Hoping to get some of “it” off before I figured out what to do.  After she was naked I realized that I couldn’t even wash our hands.  I threw her in her pj’s, stripped her bed and we headed of to NanPa’s house.  I bathed her, I showered, the sheets went in the washing machine…and I fought her for an hour til she took a 45 minute nap.  No big deal…just a little blip in the day.

And then yesterday…Yesterday morning the house was quiet for the first time in weeks.  I was basking in the lack of noise, lack of banging, lack of chaos…lack of men.  No men tromping through the yard, no men peering through the windows ( They cannot help that when putting up siding they have to hang out by the window half the day), no men stomping dirt through the house as they check out the plumbing, no men knocking on the door with questions I cannot answer.  I decided to take a shower.  Cora was watching Toy Story and so I took my opportunity to get ready.  As I was shampooing my hair I heard the dreaded “knock, knock, knock.”  I mumbled “Seriously??? Go AWAY!!!!” (there is a lot of internal or under the breath grumbling these days).  I heard Cora’s footsteps run across the floor and suddenly I heard something I was not expecting.  The rattling of a lock and the door opening.  Surely I imagined it.  I quickly rinsed of my hair…lept out of the shower (if a 39 week pregnant woman can do anything that agile), threw my towel on and ran to the door.  Cora was standing, door wide open…looking outside.  I slammed the door shut, locked it and ran to our bedroom. I glanced out the window to see a man unloading our drywall.  I thanked God he did not come in (I don’t think) and that Cora did not go out. So now we know, she can and will unlock our front door.

No big deal…just a strange beginning to the day.  I finished getting ready and we headed to Mimi’s house.  My mom and I had decided we would go for a nice walk in downtown Chattanooga.  It was a beautiful morning and I was excited to be out in the fresh air.  Cora was being a little difficult so I decided to stop at a local coffee shop and grab her a cookie.  As we were leaving I told my mom I needed to use the ladies room (thanks to the constant pressure of Elinor’s head)…and this is where my day officially went downhill.

I noticed the toilet looked a little off-center.  No big deal, I straightened out the seat and sat down.  As I started to get up I felt something strange…like the toilet was leaning to one side.  And then reality started to sink in…I was going down and I couldn’t do anything about it.  Me, the entire toilet and Elinor.  Face-to-face with the nasty tile floor…a loud crashing noise, cold toilet bowl water soaking the entire right side of my body.  Apparently as I went down in all my glory I yelled “what the heck????”  I stood up and frantically started to pull my leggings up…I heard Cora crying outside the bathroom door and my mom frantically banging.  Cold water filled my shoes.  I opened the door and there was my mom, my baby, some nameless and pretty useless guy (He took a moment to stop typing on his laptop, looked at me and then kept typing), and the two employees.  They looked in disbelief at the wreckage in the bathroom.  A toilet that had shattered into pieces, water leaking everywhere and a really pregnant woman soaked in toilet water.  I had a mixture of emotions running through me…I wanted to be really dramatic and angry, then I wanted to burst into tears…but then the laughter started…deep down and I could not control it.  Before I could help it I was shaking with laughter…cold, wet, filthy…and laughing.  My mom  started to laugh.  We were both unable to control ourselves.  I think the girl who worked there thought I was insane.  And frankly, it seems insanity is my lot in life these days…although I don’t mean for it to happen. I don’t want or choose to humiliate myself but humiliation seems to follow me.

We left and I did the walk of shame back to the car.  Soaking wet in toilet water.  I kept wondering…do people think my water broke? I wouldn’t be so lucky…

So life continues.  I spent yesterday in my dad’s pinstripe pajamas.  My tiny mother kindly offered hers but I settled for something a little bigger while I waited on my toilet clothes to wash and dry.  I kept laughing throughout the day…and will probably laugh for a long, long time.  I don’t know if I will ever top the ridiculousness of yesterday morning.

As funny as yesterday was, I don’t know that I’ll be able to muster up an ounce of humor if anything so unpredictable happens again…but surely bathing in toilet water will be the Mount Everest of all this insanity.  And what I still can’t get over is that none of this drama has induced labor…common Elinor…Please put your mama out of her misery!

21 Responses to Bathing in Toilet Water

  1. bchallies says:

    Grace, That is so well written and completely encapsulates the “experience”….I just want to add for interested readers that the post-fall restroom looked like a meth addict had torn it apart….The toilet in several pieces on the floor, water seeping our the restroom door and into the hall….

  2. Betty says:

    Oh wow! At least you found the humor in it! And yes, Elinor is proving as stubborn as Cora is now. No matter what happens, she is staying put!

  3. aileen says:

    Oh my word. Honestly I was speechless. I’m so glad you aren’t badly hurt!

  4. LeAnna says:

    Oh. My. Goodness. I would like to label this one of the “best blog posts of all time” but is that mean of me? 😉

    I literally had my hand over my mouth while reading this. First the poop on kid with no water. Cora letting people in the house (my Q would do something like that, I’m afraid!) and then….I read the meth addict comment and I lost it. You poor thing, I’m so glad you could laugh about it! But really. You poor thing!

  5. carissa says:

    This is absolutely gross, disgusting, hilarious, and so sad all at once. I’m so so sorry for all these shanaigans! You might have lawyers contact you for a bathroom malpractice suit. Lol. You deserve a shopping spree or something. I hope your day today is event free.

  6. carissa says:

    I just read your mom’s comment. I feel more complete now getting to hear every detail. ; ) This is something you’ll laugh over for the rest of your life.

  7. maryanne helms says:

    Just gross.

  8. Kendra B. says:

    THERE ARE NO WORDS! What a day, girl!! You poor thing! (but man this made one hilarious blog post…like seriously top five blog posts I’ve ever read of ALL TIME).

  9. I’m laughing. And its terrible, but i can’t help it. As I have a memory of a girl who used to laugh whenever someone fell 🙂 And at times it was me falling and you laughing. Although I wasn’t pregnant and we were kids! I’m sorry that you are going through all this but glad that your able to laugh! You will never use a lopsided toilet again:)

  10. and sometimes…when these days happen, when everything goes wrong all you can do is shake your head and laugh!

  11. Sherene says:

    Oh my gosh,im glad ur okay..And i cant help but to laugh out loud.Lol. U are the best preggy mommy:)

  12. Susanna says:

    Wow! What a crazy experience! At least all you said was “what the heck”…worse words could have come from your mouth in such a situation!!!!:)

  13. Robert McIntyre says:

    That is the best picture ever painted with water colors!

  14. Elaine says:

    Grace, I laughed and cried at the same time, you know, one of those?! I’ve had moments like that in my life, where you fell so frustrated that the only thing you can do is laugh at yourself and the situation. I am thankful that God has given us the ability to laugh in these moments, even though outsiders will look at us as if we were a little crazy.

    I am happy that Barbara can laugh with you too. Those are the best mothers, the ones who identify themselves with us and our lives.

    Grace and peace to you,

  15. Danelle says:

    seriously, Grace? really? that is hilarious and awful. I’m so glad you didn’t get injured in the coffee shop bathroom AND I’m glad Cora didn’t get abducted. You win for the answer to the question, “So honey, how was your day?” Can’t top that action!! (p.s. love that you and your mom chose laughter. It’s soothing medicine.) LOVE you mucho!

  16. oh girl, this post made me smile.
    i’m 39 weeks pregnant too with my 2nd, and heard about your blog through your brother’s blog today.
    thanks for sharing your HILARIOUS story. could have happened to any of us. comic relief is so needed at this stage in pregnancy isn’t it?
    bless you <3

  17. admin says:

    Thanks Emily…yeah, it seems to be that crazy situations follow pregnant women…like we need it:) What a cute baby girl you have! Congrats on being at the finish (almost) with baby #2!

  18. admin says:

    Glad it could give you a laugh…nothing else to do in a situation like that but make the best of it! 🙂

  19. Margaret says:

    I couldn’t stop laughing as I read the story to my roommate!! Wow, that will make a good retelling in the years to come. Thanks for sharing. I

  20. Laura says:

    Oh my gosh…that toilet story has me laughing so hard and feeling so bad for you all at once! Most random situation you will hopefully ever be in:) I keep checking to see if you’ve had your baby girl…you are so close!

  21. Jo says:

    I SO understand! These kinds of things happen to me far too often. Like, when I came downstairs around midnight one time (naked and 8 months prego) and forgot that Aidan had a friend over. . . Or the time that the toilet in the Winterlude hut exploded upwards like a volcano all over my bare behind. . .
    My dignity has worn thin.
    Love and empathy,

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