Bathing in Toilet Water
I’m starting to wonder if I should even venture out my front door…whether we should have padded walls. I don’t know if it’s pregnancy or if it’s me…but what I do know is ridiculous situations seem to be greeting me everywhere I go. I am a magnet for disaster. I wouldn’t have considered myself particularly prideful (as in, I’ve never been very cool) before but maybe that was due to lack of insight. Is God trying to teach me something? Maybe it has been those fervent and constant prayers for self-control…
It all started yesterday morning…actually, I’ll back up to Tuesday afternoon. Tuesday we had four plumbers in the addition (one who seemed to delight in tracking mud through the house and my freshly cleaned bathroom floor), four guys putting up gutters and two carpenters. The house was a zoo. At around 11 the plumber told me they were replacing the water heater and I would be without all water for about 4-5 hours. No problem. I filled the Brita and decided I wouldn’t shower that day. At 11:30 Cora decided she wanted to go “Night, night.” I put her in bed with her sippy, turned up her white noise and hoped she’d fall asleep. An hour later I still heard her chattering and then suddenly screaming “MOMMYYY!!!! Change the diaper!!!!!!!” I walked into her room and smelled it before I saw it. And then I saw it on her hands, on her sheets, on her clothes. I had no water so I frantically started to empty her baby wipe container. Hoping to get some of “it” off before I figured out what to do. After she was naked I realized that I couldn’t even wash our hands. I threw her in her pj’s, stripped her bed and we headed of to NanPa’s house. I bathed her, I showered, the sheets went in the washing machine…and I fought her for an hour til she took a 45 minute nap. No big deal…just a little blip in the day.
And then yesterday…Yesterday morning the house was quiet for the first time in weeks. I was basking in the lack of noise, lack of banging, lack of chaos…lack of men. No men tromping through the yard, no men peering through the windows ( They cannot help that when putting up siding they have to hang out by the window half the day), no men stomping dirt through the house as they check out the plumbing, no men knocking on the door with questions I cannot answer. I decided to take a shower. Cora was watching Toy Story and so I took my opportunity to get ready. As I was shampooing my hair I heard the dreaded “knock, knock, knock.” I mumbled “Seriously??? Go AWAY!!!!” (there is a lot of internal or under the breath grumbling these days). I heard Cora’s footsteps run across the floor and suddenly I heard something I was not expecting. The rattling of a lock and the door opening. Surely I imagined it. I quickly rinsed of my hair…lept out of the shower (if a 39 week pregnant woman can do anything that agile), threw my towel on and ran to the door. Cora was standing, door wide open…looking outside. I slammed the door shut, locked it and ran to our bedroom. I glanced out the window to see a man unloading our drywall. I thanked God he did not come in (I don’t think) and that Cora did not go out. So now we know, she can and will unlock our front door.
No big deal…just a strange beginning to the day. I finished getting ready and we headed to Mimi’s house. My mom and I had decided we would go for a nice walk in downtown Chattanooga. It was a beautiful morning and I was excited to be out in the fresh air. Cora was being a little difficult so I decided to stop at a local coffee shop and grab her a cookie. As we were leaving I told my mom I needed to use the ladies room (thanks to the constant pressure of Elinor’s head)…and this is where my day officially went downhill.
I noticed the toilet looked a little off-center. No big deal, I straightened out the seat and sat down. As I started to get up I felt something strange…like the toilet was leaning to one side. And then reality started to sink in…I was going down and I couldn’t do anything about it. Me, the entire toilet and Elinor. Face-to-face with the nasty tile floor…a loud crashing noise, cold toilet bowl water soaking the entire right side of my body. Apparently as I went down in all my glory I yelled “what the heck????” I stood up and frantically started to pull my leggings up…I heard Cora crying outside the bathroom door and my mom frantically banging. Cold water filled my shoes. I opened the door and there was my mom, my baby, some nameless and pretty useless guy (He took a moment to stop typing on his laptop, looked at me and then kept typing), and the two employees. They looked in disbelief at the wreckage in the bathroom. A toilet that had shattered into pieces, water leaking everywhere and a really pregnant woman soaked in toilet water. I had a mixture of emotions running through me…I wanted to be really dramatic and angry, then I wanted to burst into tears…but then the laughter started…deep down and I could not control it. Before I could help it I was shaking with laughter…cold, wet, filthy…and laughing. My mom started to laugh. We were both unable to control ourselves. I think the girl who worked there thought I was insane. And frankly, it seems insanity is my lot in life these days…although I don’t mean for it to happen. I don’t want or choose to humiliate myself but humiliation seems to follow me.
We left and I did the walk of shame back to the car. Soaking wet in toilet water. I kept wondering…do people think my water broke? I wouldn’t be so lucky…
So life continues. I spent yesterday in my dad’s pinstripe pajamas. My tiny mother kindly offered hers but I settled for something a little bigger while I waited on my toilet clothes to wash and dry. I kept laughing throughout the day…and will probably laugh for a long, long time. I don’t know if I will ever top the ridiculousness of yesterday morning.
As funny as yesterday was, I don’t know that I’ll be able to muster up an ounce of humor if anything so unpredictable happens again…but surely bathing in toilet water will be the Mount Everest of all this insanity. And what I still can’t get over is that none of this drama has induced labor…common Elinor…Please put your mama out of her misery!